|Me as a child. You can see where I started to get fat at age 10.|
When I was really young I was pretty normal as far as my body went. In fact I was downright cute. But something happened when I hit about ten years of age. My body not only became awkward, with growth spurts, sudden body hair, and growing adult teeth, but I also got fat.
Now I was always a pretty active kid. I didn't sit at home watching television all day eating Doritos and Twinkies. There was no internet then, the only gaming system (pretty much) was an Atari, and we couldn't afford that. There wasn't much of anything on television good to watch, so we were outside. All the time. It was the mid-eighties and there was always -lots- to do around the neighborhood. I rode bikes with my sister and friends. We made forts out in the woods and walked to the park and pool daily. We caught animals, swam in the local ponds and creeks, and rode our bikes or walked for miles just to go have fun.
But our family ate the standard American family diet with a lot of white bread, peanut butter, pastas, canned soup, popsicles and ice cream, lunch meat, cheese, bacon, meat, meat, meat ...all the average American household staples. My mother cooked (so did my father, but not so well), and she was taught to do so by her mother, and we were taught to cook as well. Both my parents made sure we had plenty of fruits and vegetables in our diets. We didn't eat salad much, but there was always peas, carrots, corn, green beans, tomatoes, squash, and other veggies on our plates. There were always fresh apples, oranges, bananas, grapes, and other fruit to snack on. My dad loved to eat and still does, and he would show his love by giving us food. The badder the better. My mom tried to keep our diets balanced but with her having to be the provider for the family (as a Registered Nurse) it was often left to my Dad to make sure we ate. And he did. Usually all the bad stuff. And I loved him for it.
|Me as a teenager...17 probably? At least 220 lbs.|
|Me in my early to mid twenties. Around 230 lbs.|
This continued as I found my way online in my mid twenties, and now I had an even larger area to play pretend about who I was. I adopted a persona and stuck to it, doing everything I could to make people see me as that person, the Golden Wolf. All the while I was still ignoring my health, acting like I didn't care about my weight, that I wasn't embarrassed by it, that it was "just a part of who I am".
|30 years old and probably the fattest I have ever been. |
Close to 300 lbs.
Worst of all I have let this weight issue keep me from loving and being loved. It has caused me to make some bad choices in the relationship arena, and even now I have no confidence that even if I wanted another relationship (which I don't) that any man would have me. Who wants a fat pig for a girlfriend? Who would want to be seen with me? I truly am not interested in a relationship at this time in my life, but if I was...I feel that no one would be interested in turn (but this is a topic for another conversation). I know this thinking is wrong, but what can I do?
It is clear what I can do.
I can truly love myself, and to do so in -all- ways. I can finally start loving my physical body as well. It is time. I am getting to the end of my thirties and my health is starting to suffer. I would like the second half of my life to be a healthy one. As of my 38th birthday this year I finally found the strength to do something about this. I am making an effort for the first time in a long time (if really ever) to be healthy.
|Time to do something about this!|
I've not been below 230 lbs. in my adult life.
My roommate Sandra SanTara and I started on a mostly Vegan diet after this point which focuses on fresh veggies, beans, legums, nuts, seeds, and fruit. No dairy, little to no animal products, no gluten, very few grains (and those that we do eat are usually gluten free, sprouted, and/or whole), low fat, and no sugar other than what we get from fruit.
As of this post I am down 25 lbs. and am still gradually losing weight. I know my weight loss would be accelerated if I got out and exercised more, something I -really- need to do, but with the Summer busy season in full swing I barely have time to shower and do my laundry. Excuses, I know :P It's not that I hate exercise, I hate taking the time to do it. I will start going to the gym once I have the time to, and when I am down a little bit more.
My long-term goal is to reach 200 lbs, with an eventual final goal of about 160 lbs.. I would also love to be able to go running. Ever since I was a kid I have loved to run, but exerciser's asthma combined with my weight has stopped me all of my life. I hope to clear those two issues up and start Couch 2 5K at some point. These are my goals.
I know life happens, and nothing is assured in this world. But I am determined to get healthy. Not skinny, but healthy. I have no interest or desire to "look hot", I only want to be healthy. Whatever is healthy for this body. Already my blood pressure is coming down, my cholesterol is coming down, and I am fitting into smaller clothes. There are lots of other subtle changes, and I know those will continue as I lose the weight. I have no idea how all this will go, especially since eating healthy is really, really hard when you are traveling a lot, but I am determined. I will do this. I have to do this. I cannot afford to get Diabetes (which is rampant in my Dad's family), or Fatty Liver (which my Mom has), or heart disease, not to mention all the bad stuff that is caused by high blood pressure. There is no question. I am doing this. It may be slow and I may have to take things in stages, but I am doing this. And in doing this I know I will start to overcome some of those self-love/worth issues that have plagued me. But that is a different battle in and of itself.
I will post about my progress along the way to share my journey. I know I can do it. I am worth it!